The Return of the Guillotine
President Trump today signed an executive order to bring back the guillotine for public executions, saying the American people are sick and tired of football players who refuse to stand for the national anthem. Asked if he plans to behead athletes who refuse to stand, the President said, “We’ll see what happens.”
Ivanka solves gun debate with new line of bullet-proof clothing
Ivanka Trump, today, launched a new line of Kevlar clothing for school. The new line of protective clothing comes in all sizes and will be made in China.
McDonalds unveils new Trump burger.
McDonalds today launched a new signature burger named for President Trump. The Trump burger is 75% lean imported Russian meat, not specified, a slice of radio-active Chernobyl cheddar, topped with onion, tomato and our special Putin sauce. If you find the lucky nail in your burger, you get a free beverage. The new Trump burger will be served at all colluding McDonalds.
Disabled woman swims English Channel
Bernice Carbuncle, Patterson New Jersey, who lost both arms and both legs in a freak espresso machine mishap, is not the type of person to take her hardship lying down. Determined to prove physically disable people could still compete, Ms. Carbuncle swam the English Channel using nothing but her Kegel muscles. Asked how she felt after her challenging crossing, Ms. Carbuncle said, “ I feel great, but I think I lost my IUD."