Jonathon and the Bully
I have had the pleasure to not only explain to both of my boys, how to deal with a bully, but to actually be on site when the actual confrontation came to pass. It’s a rare thing, I know.
But what father hasn’t had to do the bully talk? What we tell them and how we approach the subject must have many variations. I’m not passing judgement. Whatever the approach, I hope it worked. Being bullied really sucks.
I had been bullied and beaten many times during my school years. Being the new kid at school was usually enough to get things started. Everybody is in their respective cliques by the time I arrived. All it takes is for one, insecure, lonely and abused young man to decide to spread the pain. And who better to pick on that the kid with no friends?
I tried reasoning with them each time. But it usually begins with a sneering thug blocking your way. You attempt to step around and he moves in front of you again. By now, there’s a crowd forming. He is a border collie and you are a sheep. He herds you without saying a word.
Everyone is amused. He has won. Gotten laughs at your expense.
It can go many different ways but there is only one way to deal with it in the end. You have to stand up for yourself. You can scowl back and challenge his intelligence. Make him look stupid and beat him at his own game. But that isn’t natural and if it is, you may be a bully yourself, so what to do?
My son, Jonathon, didn’t want to go to school for several days. Each morning he was faking sick. “What’s going on at school?” I said. “Someone bothering you?” He told about a boy in his class named, Jimmy, who is mean to him every day and taunts him on the playground and waits for him in the morning to punch him in the arm and take his lunch money. I asked him about Jimmy. How big was he? Was he in the same grade? I found out they were equally matched. It was just a matter of confidence.
“You are afraid of him, I said, because you’ve never had someone be mean to you for no reason. This happens all the time in school. It happened to me too. I finally figured out that unless you think about it in advance and prepare yourself, you will never be able to make him stop.”
“What can I do? I’m afraid of him. He can beat me up.”
“Have you ever been in a fight before? How do you know you can’t fight? You don’t learn how to defend yourself, so you can fight people.
You learn how to defend yourself, so no one will bother you. When you know how to defend yourself, people can see it and sometimes that’s enough.”
I took him downstairs to the basement where I had a heavy bag hanging on a chain.
“Stand in front of the bag.” I said. “The bag is Jimmy. What does Jimmy do to you?”
“Calls me names and pushes me and tries to make me fight.”
“He only does that because he can see your fear. He taunts you to fight him because it makes him look tough and other boys are afraid of him too, so they laugh when he taunts you and that make him happy and he leaves them alone. Can you imagine what he would do if you stood up to him? Pushed him back?”
“He’d kill me.”
“He wouldn’t kill you. He might push you back or punch you, but he wouldn’t kill you. And what do you think he would do if you punched him in the nose?”
“Then he would kill me.”
“OK, I said. The bag is Jimmy. Stand like this, with one foot back a bit.” I demonstrated, and he copied me. “That’s good. Now here’s how you throw a punch. I demonstrated in slow motion, demonstrating how I shifted my weight to my forward foot and rolled my shoulder to put more weight behind the punch. We stood there taking slow motion punches at the bag and gradually increased speed and power until he had a feel for it.
“Now, I said. Where on the bag is Jimmy’s nose?
Jon pointed to the spot on the bag.
“OK, I said. You show up at school and Jimmy is suddenly in front of you. What happens next?”
“I don’t know.”
“Sure, you do. Does he just walk up and punch you?”
“No.”
“What then?”
“He says, Hey faggot. And everybody laughs.”
“What would you like to have happen if you could do anything you wanted, and you weren’t afraid?”
“I’d beat his ass.”
“You won’t have to beat his ass. Take your stance in front of the bag and punch Jimmy in the nose.
He delivered a punch. Not a very good one, but he had never thrown a punch in his life and this was something very knew. I worked with him until he could do a fairly convincing attempt.
“Imagine what that would feel like if that were your nose, I said. I don’t think he’s ever been punched in the nose before. I’ll bet he’ll leave you alone and never bother you again. And everyone one will know you punched Jimmy and they will be more respectful too.”
I told him to come down and practice every day when you get home and you are angry because Jimmy picked on you. Stand here and think about how you will stand up to him. That way, when you finally do stand up to him, you’ll know how to do it right.
It was only about a week later. It was a Saturday. I was out front putting gas in the lawnmower when I heard Jonathon calling me from the playground. We lived on a dead-end street and the Playground and school were right there at the end of my street.
I looked toward the playground and there was Jonathon. Jimmy was sitting on Jonathon’s bike, and Jonathon was standing in front, with the wheel between his legs, and his hands holding tight to the handlebars.
I walked over. “What’s going on?”
Jimmy spoke up. “He said I could ride his bike and now he won’t let me.” I looked at Jonathon. “Is that true?” Jonathon pointed to a little girl riding her bike on the blacktop. “See that little girl? Jimmy was riding her bike and she was crying, so I told Jimmy he could ride my bike if he gave her bike back. He took one peddle on my bike and I grabbed the bars. I never said how long you could ride it. Now I want it back.”
“Well, Jimmy.” I said. “Technically, you rode the bike and now he wants his bike back.”
“Well I’m not giving it back and you can’t make me.” He said to Jonathon. Jonathon looked at me for support.
“I can’t tell you what to do Jonathon, but I know what I’d do.”
Jonathon turned to Jimmy. “If you don’t get off of my bike I’m going to beat your ass.”
“No, you won’t.” Jimmy said. “You’re afraid.”
Jonathon looked at me again.
“I know what I’d do.” I said.
He turned and delivered a well-practiced punch straight into Jimmy’s nose. Jimmy’s eyes welled with tears and he dropped the bike.
Jon panicked for a second and started to run behind me. When Jimmy saw Jon’s fear he became emboldened again and started to come after Jon.
I spun Jon around to face Jimmy. “Finish him Jonathon.”
Jonathon started after Jimmy and Jimmy took off running for home.
There was never again a problem with Jimmy or any other bully after that.
I know, I should have had the two boys come in the house and eat cake and learn to be friends. I know that would work and the bully problem would be solved until another bully came along. At some point, you have to know how to handle yourself. It’s best if your breakthrough moment happens when you are nine, and your best punch is on the level of a rolled-up newspaper. But I’m sixty-seven now and I have a world of experience now that I lacked at the time.
I said earlier that there are many ways a parent might deal with the bully problem and I said whatever you do I hope it works. So…this worked,and no animals were harmed.